Countervalue of Loss
by twistedimension
Summary: If you become so sad that you cannot live on, I want you to erase my existence." ..... "Surely, if I was left with any memories of that person, I would not be able to live." Please read & Review
1. That Night

I desperately hold on to you, only wishing to stop time, to stay in this moment forever. I don't want this; I'm not ready.

You smile, and I feel as if I'm being mocked. I want to ask you how you can even manage to smile in this situation, but I don't want to waste our last minutes together asking such a stupid question.

You speak so quickly, cause you, too, know you're running out of time. You tell me everything you couldn't before in just a few words.

" So, if you are so sad, that you cannot live on, I want you to erase my existence. So you can smile and laugh in the future."

A choked sob escapes, then more follow.

I can't take it. I want to save you, from your future, from your fate. Despite my pleads and protests, though, you refuse. And now as your last seconds are winding down, it's too late.

You start vanishing as your body begins to transform into small particles of light. I can't do anything but stare and reach for you, only to feel your clothes, with no body in them.

And the last thing I see is your fading figure. I wish it was your smiling face I saw last rather than those tiny flicks of light.


	2. Into Reality

I'm tired. I don't want to wake up. Not now, or ever. My only wish right now is to remain in the comforting darkness of sleep.

There, I was not reminded of my loss. There, I could stay forever. It was much better of a world than reality.

A rather annoying part of my conscious continuously nagged me, urging me to open my eyes. I wish I could've shut it up, or smacked the sense out of it, but neither of those were possible. And soon enough, I was awake.

Several familiar faces hovered over me; their eyes staring with deep concern. I didn't bother trying to remember who they were yet. It wasn't important to me.

They muttered words that I couldn't make sense of. I felt sluggish and my mind was muddled. I wanted to go back to sleep. I wanted to go back, before I remembered _that_.

Sudden nausea waved over me. An image of a tall, melancholy-looking boy passed through in my mind. His sad smile, his last words.

No. Not this. Not this.

My eyes stung, and my cheeks felt damp and wet. I was shaking, I was sure of it. The familiar faces wore shocked expressions now, as they tried to talk to me. I wouldn't hear them though. I couldn't.

When my senses had finally returned, I sat up. With my arm, I wiped away my already dry tears, and looked at those people.

"Where's Yoite?"

"Yoite?"

"Yes. Yoite."

"What an odd name."

"Where is he?"

"Who?"

"Yoite."

"And who's that?"

I started getting frustrated. "Don't screw with me! Where is he?!"

Another voice (which was higher and girlier) answered, "Miharu… There is no Yoite."

Are they playing with me? I am not falling for it, those stupid dimwits.

"There is a Yoite. Tell me where he is."

They all looked at each other worriedly, and then started approaching me cautiously, like I was some sick, injured animal.

"Miharu…"

I had enough of this. I shot out of the bed and ran out the door, slamming it behind me.


	3. Her and Him

I run, and run, and keep on running. Even though my lungs feel as if they're on fire, and there's an increasing pain in my legs, I keep on running. It feels grand, thrilling, ecstatic.

Though I've hardly ever ran before, it feels so familiar, like I've been doing it my whole life. I find that hilarious, and burst out laughing, still running.

I felt mad, insane. Thousands of questions formed in my mind. Why am I running? What am I running from? Where am I going? A girl with a powerful, deceiving voice asked me these things.

I tried to ignore her, though my attempt was a failure. I couldn't make sense of what she was saying anymore, which was truly maddening, as all I heard where her muffled whispers.

"I knew it, Miharu. I knew you'd call for me soon enough." Her tone was pleased and triumphant, and I could've sworn I saw her sadistic grin widening

I didn't reply. What would I say anyway?

"Though, twas a stupid reason. You could've wished for anything you desired, and yet you wished for _that_?"

What reason? "What did I ask for?"

"Oh, you don't remember?" – a terribly frightening laugh- "I would've thought that you would."

"Well, I don't. What did I ask for?"

Her expression turned cold and angry. "For that boy's existence to be erased."

I wanted to hide, disappear, something. "Then why do I still remember him?"

"Would you have really wanted to forget him?"

"……"

"I only do what you desire, Miharu."

I didn't want to listen to her. I wanted to forget this conversation, or whatever it was. More than anything, though, I wanted to see Yoite.

I tried not to think about anything. Not about Yoite, nor Shinrabanshou. Nothing.

I was still running. I'll never stop.


	4. Purpose Of The Wish

I didn't bother trying to figure out where I was going. I just ran, and ran. I didn't care anymore.

There was no thrill to it now. All I wanted to do was lie down and fall asleep. I no longer cared…

I didn't want to think anymore. I didn't want to think about anything.

I started crying, sobbing. There was no one to comfort me, or tell me it'd be alright.

The truth was always known to me. I'd always be alone. One way or another, I was always alone. Always.

This was just another mis-happening. Many more were to follow. Still, I couldn't help feel miserable.

How did I expect myself to live on without him? Just go on, act like nothing had ever happened? Eventually just forget him?

No…

I used his wish to my advantage. I knew that if I had been left with any memories of him, I wouldn't be able to live on. I wanted to erase his existence not only for him, but for myself as well.

So much for that.

Unconsciously, my hands wrapped around my neck, my thumbs jamming themselves into my throat. I felt my heart beating fast, and my lungs begged for air. It didn't hurt. I was detached from the pain.

It felt brilliant. I wanted it so much.

I stopped.

There was no way to join Yoite. I erased his existence. There was no joining him.


End file.
